Remember the Last Time

Stop and Think

I still don’t remember when the last time was that I bounced him to sleep. I still don’t remember the last time that I nursed him. I don’t recall when I allowed him to have his pacifier for the last time, letting him savor the delight of his little comfort. I don’t remember the last time he wore that cute little blue onesie. I don’t recall the last time I felt him cut a tooth, or say “outside” in his cute little wrong way.

I didn’t realize that it would be the last time I’d converse with my dad in that way. I didn’t realize that I wouldn’t get another chance to see him on this Earth. I wasn’t aware that he’d be gone, and I’d be without him so quickly. I didn’t know that my last moments with him were coming and gone.

Remember

Every day, I run across last times, yet I’m loathe to accept or acknowledge them because of that very reason. I don’t want it to be the last time. I don’t want it to fade into a memory, lost in the sea of others. I’m afraid, innately afraid of the last times in my life.

I try my darndest to be aware of the precious moments, and how each one might be my last. I try to treasure each kiss from my husband, aware he might not come home tonight. I try to embrace each moment nursing my daughter, conscious that soon she won’t want to. I cuddle my son close, realizing that tomorrow he might not want my snuggles. When he tiptoes up to my bed at night asking to crawl in beside me, I rarely tell him “no” because there’s always a niggling fear that this might be the last time, and I’d do well to savor and remember it.

To Fear or to Treasure or Both?

Do I live in fear, or do I live treasuring each moment, that appears to be the question. And yet, in my human finite mind, I cannot seem to remedy it. Won’t I always fear the loss? Lord allow me the opportunity to embrace perfect love, able to drive out all fear, 1st John 4:18. https://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/1%20John%204%3A18

Which last moments haunt you? What fears have control over you? How do you remedy perfect love and fear?

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